A lot of background may be needed to see why I feel these three options are the only ones available to me but I do not have the desire or space with which to outline all the variables leading up to this point.
I have been diagnosed at various times in my life with various mental ailments. I have been labeled majorly depressed, told I have ADHD, diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder, or some combination of all three.
I should tell you that I do not have much faith in psychology as a science capable of curing. I know they can treat and counsel but I have never heard of a person cured from depression or ADHD or a personality disorder. It just doesn’t happen. I do not have money or insurance for a prolonged medical stay and medication. I have been hospitalized in the past and never felt as though I truly received anything of value. I never felt as though I belonged. It always made me feel as though I functioned fine in comparison to some others. I think hospitalization should be reserved for people who are a danger to themselves or to others and I have not reached that point… yet.
Though, there is something to be said about a warm bed and three meals a day.
Incarceration also offers three meals a day and a warm bed but it carries its own dangers as well. Once you are in you stay in until you are released. I have also been incarcerated before, for five years. I am relatively confident I could survive it again if I needed to. But I shudder to put myself in a position where my decisions are no longer my own. Though to be honest, my decisions are not the best by anyone’s standards, including my own.
Homelessness is the option which will allow me to retain the most personal freedom, but which is the most difficult of the three to bear. I have had the fortune to be homeless in the past for a period of 6 months. It was a very hard life, never knowing where the nest meal will come from, and I am afraid that for most people the ultimate course homelessness leads them onto is either death, hospitalization or incarceration. So a choice to go down this road may just end up leading me to one of the first two options… with the added negative that I may end up severely hurting myself or another before being incarcerated or hospitalized.
I am willing to provide more information if people feel it is necessary to give me an honest answer. But it should suffice to know that I truly believe these to be my only three options at this point. And I would like, if possible, to make a decision that will cause the least amount of harm to myself or to others. Excluding suicide. I do not have the desperation or strength of character for that.
Jayne, I am capable of being employed and have been in the past. However, as I mentioned I was incarcerated previously for 5 years and that is one heck of a black mark in a crowded, over-competitive job market. I live in Michigan. My home county has over 10% unemployment. With my checkered work history and previous incarceration I have been unable to get a job. And I am 33 years old, so I do not qualify for Americorps.
Also, having been previously incarcerated, I am considered unfit by every branch of the military. And, additionally, I do not believe in our governments discretion in the use of force. I will never allow myself to become their blunt tool. If I am to die or to kill, it will be for a cause of my own choosing; a cause I can believe in.
In order to become incarcerated my plan is to enter a bank with a note. I will hand the note to the teller. The note will simply state: "I am robbing this bank but I do not want your money. I have no weapons and I will not harm a single person here. I will not leave until you have called the police and informed them that a robbery is in progress."
Given my previous record, a charge of felony bank robbery should put me away for a considerable length of time, if not for the rest of my life.
Tough choices~not judging you at all but there is obviously alot more to this story then you have posted. First off being homeless is something you would never want. You already know this from experience and I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. The elements the loneliness and the hopelessness are unbearable.
Incarceration is no fun either~you would need to commit a serious crime in order to get incarcerated for a long time.
Hospitalization would be my first choice of your three options. Im sure you have reasons for doubting if it will work~probably prior experience as well. You can always go to a county facility and voluntarily admit yourself and not worry about not having health insurance. That would be my advice to you and a starting point. From reading your post I can tell you are extremely depressed and it is clouding your judgment otherwise you would not feel that these are your only three options.
Worse case scenario and i’m not joking~ you try the hospital and it dosent work for you….then you are left with your other two options……..if you go to jail, eventually you will get out and be right back where you started from….your choice then the hospital or be homeless.
Please seek mental help~go voluntarily admit yourself and give it a try once again…………….the worse that could happen is you will be right back here contemplating your other two choices.
Best of luck.